We have all had them. Those friends that mean so much to us that they become family in our hearts. It is a type of love that cannot always be explained with words, but is a very specific type of love that grants us the opportunity to choose who we want to be our family.
There is a woman, her name is Janell. She was a nurse in my department until she retired a short time ago. She represents this kind of love. We often say that she is my “fill in” mom. If you have listened to my testimony, or have read anything about my story, you will know that my mother abandoned me when I was a little girl. So, this type of love that I was gifted as an adult means more to me than I can describe through words. She is dear to me.
Yesterday was the calling hours for her beloved sister, Yolanda. I also thought a great deal of this lady, and I will never ever forget her. I can’t say it was love like between Janell and I. It was different. Not too long ago, Yolanda was the organizer of a women’s conference at her church. She invited me to be her speaker for this event. The girl who struggles to this day believing her worth, was invited to be a speaker? What?? No way!! What I believed and thought happened around her asking though, couldn’t have been further from the truth. You see, because of her being Janell’s sister, I was convinced that perhaps Janell had something to do with it. I learned yesterday the real story behind her asking me. I went to these calling hours to honor and bless this family, but what ended up happening was I was the one that was blessed. I have the type of personality that pays attention to words. Probably because I want to make sure the words being said to me align with actions, because of my issues around trust.
Anyway, while standing at Yolanda’s casket giving my condolences to her husband, he let me know that when Yolanda was planning that women’s event, she said to him, “I know just the person I want for this, I just hope she will do it.” That declaration spoke so loud to me, because it told me that Janell had nothing to do with her asking me. Could she have had something to do with the convincing? Perhaps. But, the idea of me being the speaker was not planted into Yolanda’s thoughts by Janell. Yolanda just had that kind of belief in me. She believed I had a story to tell, and it needed to be heard. She saw the value in vulnerability and transparency. She trusted that hope and redemption could be brought to other women by allowing God to use me for His purpose. Breadcrumb.
Moments before making my way to her casket, another woman came up to me, whom I do not know well, and said, “I am so glad you are writing again. You have a voice, and it needs to be known.” Breadcrumb.
A few days prior, and unrelated, I received a message again reminding me of my worth and how I have been appointed. Breadcrumb.
You see, I am the most doubtful person when it comes to believing I am good enough to be “seen,” to be “heard,” or to be “liked.” That is where again the enemy will try to dominate me through my thoughts, which are outrageous lies, of course. But, I am here to tell you, he does a pretty good job with making me believe them. Even with this blog, the enemy will tell me I am not good enough for this, and he will prove it by leaving me “unliked.” Exposed and unworthy. It is humiliating to admit how much I allow the enemy to convince me of my self worth just through a facebook like. It’s ridiculous honestly, but it’s the truth. He knows that my biggest wound comes from rejection, so if I can believe I am not worthy to be liked or loved, then that will also make me doubt this calling God is placing over my life. He wants to run interference with anything that might shine a light on God.
John 10:10 says that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy like a thief in the night. Lord, give me the strength to fight this battle, because it is evident I cannot do it on my own.
Sometimes we expect God to give us the whole loaf of bread because He is the Almighty. Through that expectation though, we do not notice the breadcrumbs. Lord, equip me to not just notice the breadcrumbs, but to follow them. Help me to honor You, and not satisfy the desires of this monsters lies.